February, 1997

Be quick with that Marie Biscuit, man!

If it falls into your tea you will look like a bladdy pampoen

Well, here we are again - another Main Street and another Cyberbraai list. To the many friends who continue to send in contributions to Cyberbraai, we say thanks and we raise our glass of Amarula in appreciation. The Amarula glass has been raised frequently of late since we have just had a big celebration in the Main Street family - the marriage of Adrian Lurssen (who, incidentally, dreamed up the word "cyberbraai") to the lovely Merel Kennedy of McLean, Virginia.

In order to give their American friends a taste of real food, we asked Patricia Solomon, a Capetonian working in Washington DC, to prepare one of her wonderful menus. Did she ever! Patricia provided lamb curry, pineapple chicken, samoosas, glazed veggies in the Cape style, yellow rice with all the good stuff in it and melktert that made all the American guests want to emigrate to South Africa on the next plane out of Dulles. Patricia does private catering in the Washington area and if anyone wants to make use of her services, send us an email message and we will pass it on to her. She is terrific.

Bobotie was provided by another South African friend, Millicent Chaise - many of our readers will know her as Millicent Mseleku, one of the country's leading fashion models - and it was superb, a bobotie to be cherished and recalled on dull days when some cheering up is required. The dinner was enhanced by Cape wines and a dop or two of the aforesaid Amarula. For those who don't know of it yet, Amarula is - reading from the label here - a wild fruit cream and a "smooth experience". The marula tree is known locally as the "elephant tree" because the big critters are partial to its small, yellow fruit. Amarula is produced in South Africa and available in America and Canada.

But we digress. We continue now with our latest Cyberbraai list of words and phrases which visitors to South Africa must know if they want to know just what is going on:

ALABAMA: Lots of South Africans probably know very little about Alabama except that it's somewhere in the American South, it's hot, and the people drink mint juleps. But they all know the song "Daar Kom Die Alabama" which means "There Comes The Alabama". This is a traditional song, a favorite of the Cape Malay choirs, and Boy Scouts and church youth outings sing it around campfires. It tells of the arrival off Cape Town in August, 1863, of the 1,000-ton Confederate raider Alabama which caught the Yankee ship, Sea Bride, in Table Bay and then stopped for supplies. It was all very exciting to have the American Civil War on our doorstep and the folks in Cape Town gave the Southern warship a big welcome. She managed to escape from the pursuing Vanderbilt but, less than a year later, Alabama went to a watery grave in an engagement with the US cruiser Kearsage off the coast of France. Her name is sometimes pronounced "Allibama" in the song and the story is that the whole of Cape Town climbed to the top of Signal Hill to witness the episode which is remembered more in South Africa than in America.

BLAASOP: Also know as a "blaasoppie", this is a little fish of the Terodon family found in the sea all the way from False Bay on the eastern side of the Cape Peninsula to Natal which is, of course, more famous for its sharks. The blaasoppie (from the Afrikaans "blow up") inflates itself like a balloon when it is caught and stays that way even after death like a child holding its breath in a temper tantrum and never ever breathing again. People with seaside cottages sometimes put them on the mantelpiece to capture a nautical flavor.

BOKKUM: This is a small, dried fish, either salted or smoked, and very popular on South Africa's west coast. It is an acquired taste, not unlike dried herring in Northern Europe. In Namaqualand, people sometimes say that small, dried people who have been out in the sun too long look like bokkums. But that is not a nice thing to say about a fellow human being.

BOSMAN, HERMAN CHARLES: If you enjoy Cyberbraai and the letters from our readers on the subject, we recommend that you seek out the works of the late Herman Charles Bosman, a great South African humorist. Bosman died in 1951 but he is probably more popular now than ever before. He worked as a teacher in the western Transvaal where many of his short stories are set. Bosman shot and killed a relative during a quarrel and served five years in prison, the subject of one of his books. His best-known collection of short stories is called Mafeking Road and if you have not read it yet there is a real treat waiting for you.

GATVOL: Pronounced "ghut-foll", this a widely-used but somewhat rude word which is difficult to translate into English because it refers to one's private parts and this is, after all, a family publication. It means "fed up" and all language groups find it useful when an advanced degree of irritation needs to be expressed. But be careful where you use it. Don't tell your boss: "Listen I am gatvol with you and I am gatvol with this job." You could easily end up in the ranks of the recently unemployed. Then you will be gatvol with life.

GHERKIN: A gherkin is a small pickled cucumber, what in America is simply called a pickle. You either like them or you don't - no half measures. Generations of moms have packed gherkins in school lunch boxes. They are often thrown away. The history of South African education is littered with discarded gherkins.

MAL AUNTIE: Not often heard these days, this is a wonderful phrase for dismissing proposals or ideas. It means literally "mad aunt" and it can be used if someone asks to borrow R25. If that's not a good idea in your opinion, you can say: "Your mal auntie." If you wish to make your attitude even plainer, you can add a reference to his aunt's appearance.

MARIE BISCUIT: All South Africans grow up with Marie biscuits. They are sweet, hard, dry cookies which have quite a pleasant taste but little else going for them really. They are quite nice dipped in hot tea or coffee but you have to move fast because they break easily and you may get a brown glup at the bottom of your cup. What you need is a quick dip and out! Expatriate South Africans in America, Canada, Australia and New Zealand tell each other how much they miss Marie biscuits but when someone sends them a packet to relieve their homesickness they wonder what all the fuss was about.

NAARTJIE: This is the South African name for the tangerine and, according to Eric Rosenthal, it probably comes from the Indian Tamie Nartie, a citron. Not a Citroen - that's a car. Naartjies are easy to peel and their pips are wonderful for spitting contests during big break in school. We knew someone at school who could spit a naartjie pip 20 meters - a real talent.

PAMPOEN: This is a pumpkin and it is nice fried in little cakes which are called pampoen fritters or pampoenkoekies. But it is also a useful insult. If a rugby player drops the ball when he has an open field in front of him, it is appropriate to shout: "Hey - you bladdy pampoen!" It is equally appropriate for him to shout back: "Your mal auntie!" Some people throw a naartjie on the field at this point but it is frowned upon and regarded as unsportsmanlike. It is also risky if the targeted player is bigger than you.

STINKWOOD: This is a terrible name for one of the most attractive, fine-grained hardwoods found anywhere. Stinkwood trees (Ocotea bulata) grow in the indigenous forests of the Southern Cape near Knysna and in Natal and they get their name from the pungent smell which lingers just after a tree has been cut. Stinkwood furniture is expensive and much-prized and items are handed down as family heirlooms. Another prized local timber is Yellow-wood (Podocarpus falcatus), also from the Knysna area and also used in fine furniture. In the old days, yellow-wood was used for floorboards. Finding an old house with such flooring is like stumbling on treasure.

STINKHOUT: Afrikaans for Stinkwood. This name leaves little to the imagination. Stinkhout means: toilet seat.

TOM: Tom is money, cash, dough, the stuff we never have enough of. We don't know the origin of this bit of slang and we believe it is passing out of fashion but it can still be heard at lunch when someone may say to you: "Can you pay this oke? I'm a bit short of tom today." In South Africa you don't ask for the check in restaurants. You ask for the bill. Then you hand over the tom.

TWEE GAT JAKKALS: The ultimate insult, this phrase cannot really be translated from the Afrikaans because it would come out as "jackal with two anal orifices" which sounds more silly than insulting. A person described as a "twee gat jakkals" most definitely is not to be trusted and should be avoided if possible. Don't use it lightly because it really is insulting and should be saved up for a genuine scumbag. An ordinary rogue can be called a "skelm" - which is a tad more forgivable than a jackal with separate outlets. If your best friend makes advances toward your fiancee, it is appropriate to refer to him or her as a twee gat jakkals, pronounced "twee ghut yukkles."